Episode 1 recap

We're welcomed by the omni-useless and amazingly bias Jeff Probst who lets us know we only get 16 morons who'll stumble and fuck-up till one of them, against their will, is given a million dollars.

The two tribes start off by pillaging a truck of it's supplies, Black Tribe gets all the water cause Red Tribe is very stupid. After this we have our 'first vote'...Which I know is bullshit cause we only have a 16 person cast and they are not kicking 3 people off the show on the first episode.
Red Tribe elects to 'vote out' an old lady named Sandy, who we're about to find out is very dumb and deeply annoying, while Black Tribe vote out Model Girl who's got a fever and is very ill.

Of course this was all just a clever trick, and Sandy and Model Girl get sent to camp by helicopter while the rest of the tribes have to hike. Sandy celebrates, Probst tells her she's a fucking moron for celebrating cause she's clearly first to go on her tribe.

On the hike we get introduced to Coach who is this season's LOSE WITH HONOR moron. He gives a stupid speech about how he's going to 'change survivor' and how he seeks only to fight an opponent worthy of defeating him. Coach will give an *Epic* farewell speech because his fucktarded sense of honor will be violated when people brutally outplay his stupid ass and send him packing, and if he makes the jury his question will clearly be "I should have won you fucking pricks!"

The other tribe does nothing I can remember on their hike, you want a better survivor recap? Go somewhere else, here's anger and gameplay discussion, of which I have plenty of the former and there's very little of the latter this early in the season.

Sandy and Model Girl end up at their respective camps and are given the option of either working to build camp, or go searching for an idol that offers immunity for only 1 vote. Sandy gives a rambling, incoherent speech about how 'I shouldn't waste my time working my way into my tribe's good graces when wasn't there to begin with' because winning a million dollars would suck...And so would PLAYING FUCKING SURVIVOR...The whole point of which is that you need to establish yourself as a more worthy target then whomever you end up against at the end of the game...So having already fucked up by going for the idol, Sandy compounds this error by not finding even the second clue to it before her tribe arrives.

Model Girl on the other hand tries to build a camp for her tribe and does a good job, none of this means anything because Coach, who again, is a fucktard, declares the hike to camp to have been a live altering event akin to being in the shit in Nam...And that since Model Girl wasn't there, she's going to be voted out in spite of all her efforts. Coach re-states that he is keeping 'the strong' in the game...Because a good work ethic and helping the team isn't strong if you're a young woman...Or something...

Fuck Coach... (Note, this will appear in every recap till he's voted off, it may even be in the recaps after he's gone.)

Red Tribe arrives at their unbuilt camp and seethe at Sandy's lazyness, Sandy's just like "Blah Blah blah, I'm stupid and useless!" and Carolina mades some comments about how the camp should be set up...Carolina needs to learn that talking at this point of the game is for strong men (Like Coach) who people want to keep around for their strong-manness, while people who look to be expendable should never ever talk about anything, a deaf mute would make it to the merger 75% of the time in this game I'm pretty sure.

Sandy, having somehow missed a GIANT STICK on the beach when looking for the idol last time, finds it this time, and gets a clue to take 'ten paces' to a palm tree, she has no idea 'what a pace is'...This shit is fucking pre-school level hard and she's blowing it...(Note: when I make Survivor and fuck up this badly, please throw these comments in my face.)

Now it's time for the immunity/fire challenge that kicks off every season, I wish that one time when Probst said "Want to know what you're playing for?" the tribes would just say "Nah...We trust it'll be good Jeff, let's hit the field!"

The challenge is your standard physical/mental challenge, with an additional mental twist at the end, 6 of the tribe have to run across a beach full of sandhills into a river to get a raft that has pieces of wood that'll be used to make steps, once the steps are made, the tribe climbs up the steps and then any two people get to work on a peg-board maze, solving the maze wins fire and immunity for your tribe.

The tribes stupidly split up their teams such that Model Girl and Sandy are in the 'stair building' phase of the challenge, you would think you should hide your weak links in the 6 person task, rather then making them half your stair building team, of course, if they screw up the stair building, the vote out is easier, so I can see that as a tactic if you were hanging them out to dry on purpose, but this early in the game I don't think anyone should be making plans like that, avoiding tribal is your only goal.

JT on Red Tribe gets off to a big lead to assure himself of being a target when the merge hits and the strong are voted out as immunity threats (I.E. The part that Coach is opposed to, because IT IS WRONG TO VOTE OUT STRONG PEOPLE! STRONG PEOPLE PLAY WITH HONOR! THERE IS NOTHING TO THIS GAME EXCEPT HOW MUCH YOU CAN BENCHPRESS!)

The two tribes make it back to the beach at about the same time, Black Tribe takes a bit of a lead getting the planks to their stair builders, but this is erased as Sandy turns into the STAIRMASTER and start busting out mad stair building skillz. Sandy's work gives her team about a 4 step lead going into the peg maze, which her tribe promptly screws up as Black Tribe makes up the difference on the steps, gets to the peg maze and beats Red Tribe.

Note: Ultra-Strong Coach, who's job title on the show is listed as "Champion of the God-Kings" did really nothing of note in the running/swimming part and didn't put himself in the pegmaze part of the challenge either...Yes I hate him, yes it's irrational, deal with it.

Red Tribe, having been DEFEATXCORED shamble back to their camp broken and defeated, where Carolina makes a comment that pisses people off. Taj, a black woman who is apparently in a band of some note, pulls aside Carolina and lets her know it's most likely not a good plan to get mouthy after a loss, Carolina admits she talks to much.

The tribe now feels bad that Sandy did so well in the immunity challenge, and that perhaps booting her would be a mistake, so this opens the door for them to boot Carolina, who's annoying people.

We get to tribal, where Jeff for some reason doesn't ask Sandy if she has the idol and wants to play it, most likely cause she couldn't find it. The rest of the questioning is the standard moronic Probstian garbage we've come to hate. Probst hates old women, and women in general, if he's not planning on banging you for a while after the season ends, you're pretty much dead to him if you're a woman, unlike his burning love for Ozzy, Rupert, Colby and other great men of Survivor Past. Finally votes are read, and it's a rout, as Carolina gets voted out by everyone 7-1, and she fades into Bolivian.

Probst makes a stupid comment about how the tribe is 'clearly willing to blindside' people, as if to sow the seeds of distrust, when the alternative of telling Carolina she was going and booting her 7-1 would have been so much better? God Jeff's such a fucktard.

Now if anyone on Red Tribe were worth their weight in piss, they would go after Sandy to be the 4th in a 4 person alliance to take control of the tribe, because she's got no political power currently and would take any deal offered to her, I doubt this will happen, because everyone sucks at Survivor, but it's an easy play, unless of course there is already a solid alliance in orange tribe that we haven't seen yet.

Next week: Coach will not be voted off, I'll be pissed about that, I expect my anger to last till at least mid season...Grrrr...